This blog post is about a mindset shift that turned my failures into successes. You have probably heard that your mindset is really important and can determine many things in your life, such as whether you are healthy or fit, whether you have good relationships, and whether you are successful or not. Through this personal story I'm going to show you how beliefs work and how different beliefs, different mindsets can create different experiences and outcomes.
My life didn't look too promising in my early teens. We had a dysfunctional family; my mom drank heavily, and I was already binge eating at that time and on a steady way towards bulimia. I also struggled in school. I couldn't keep up with the increased requirements. We were given homework for almost each class and every day and also long texts to memorize. My grades were deteriorating year after year. My life was full of shame, stress and lack of confidence, and I felt like a total failure. The odds were obviously against me. The likelihood that I would hardly finish secondary education and get only low-pay, low-prestige jobs was high. So was the likelihood that I would continue having poor mental health and dysfunctional relationships. But my life took a U-turn, thanks to a mindset-shifting moment. I was assigned to do a school project with one of the best students in our school, and a single conversation with her changed my thinking forever and, with it, my life path.
I have encountered many eminent students before. We also had one in our class who continuously bragged about how smart he was and how easy it was for him to do homework or studying. They all seemed to be way more intelligent and talented than me and have an innate ability to remember and understand things better. My view of them also shaped my self-image. I compared myself to them and reasoned that I was not intelligent, talented, or smart enough, and I could not succeed at school because of that. I also told myself that my below-average grades were just the result of this.
The life-changing dialogue with Szilvia started like this: You are one of the best students in school; what is your secret? There is no secret, really. I just pay attention during classes, do my homework diligently, spend plenty of time studying and I also use learning strategies. I just work hard, that's it. Her answer blew me away. I asked many questions, and she shared with me what a routine day looked like for her, how important she thought it was to pay attention during classes, how much time she spent studying and how she used learning strategies. My fundamental beliefs about innate intellect and achievement had been shaken, which resulted in a self-reflection that went like this:
Do I pay attention during classes? Of course not. I daydream constantly, often looking out the window and wishing I were somewhere else. How much time do I spend studying or doing homework? Well, I hide in my room and tell my parents that I'm studying, usually for a couple of hours each day. But in reality, I just do silly things such as drawing, playing Tetris, daydreaming, and 100 times scribbling down the name of the boy I have a crush on. But I only spent a fraction of that time with actual focus on school material. Do I use or have even heard about learning strategies before? Of course not. Nope.
Wow might it be true that my lack of success at school reflects the lack of focus and effort rather than the lack of my innate abilities? This mindset-shifting insight challenged my old beliefs and eventually changed my life and turned my failures into successes.
So intrigued, I began experimenting with the idea that focus and effort can bring just as good results as innate intellect or talent. I stopped wasting my time and started focusing better and studying harder. I often caught myself shifting back to old habits and had to refocus my attention. But results started to appear and focusing became easier with time as well. I got more excited about this experiment and more intentional about my learning. I researched and applied learning strategies. My research suggested that reviewing the material early in the morning enhances retrieval, so I often woke up at 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. to study. Remember, I was just a 13-year-old teenager but a teenager who intuitively realized she could change the course of her life.
As you can see, new behaviours and actions emerged from my new way of thinking, which created a new reality for me. At age 14, my grades were flawless. I excelled in every class and was among the most praised students. Earlier, my math grades had been below average, but about a year after the mindset shift, my teachers sent me to competitions, and I tutored others in math. Once my reality started reflecting the change in mindset, and results started to appear, the mindset shift was complete. It wasn't an experiment anymore it became an automated system powered by my changed view of effort and abilities. Despite the developing bulimia and the dysfunctional family environment, my newfound mindset, newfound beliefs propelled me to a brighter and more prosperous future.
I went to College and earned a bachelor's degree in social work. I worked as a social worker for about seven years. I learned English exclusively at home in a self-taught way, moved abroad and built a life in Scotland. I overcame bulimia, which had been part of my life for about 15ish years, broke the dysfunctional family patterns and healed my relationships. I have become a confident, loving, joyful woman with authenticity and inner peace. I had amazing jobs over the years, but my main focus was on refining my English so that I could start a coaching business. Today, I am a mindset coach. I continue using the beliefs, the mindset I have cultivated in my teens to grow and evolve in this role so that I can offer better and better coaching services to my clients. All this came about as a result of shifting my views on effort and abilities.
The message I want to convey by sharing my success story is this: Changing our beliefs also changes our behaviors and actions and how we relate to ourselves and the world; which consequently brings us different experiences and outcomes. So shifting our beliefs is a really powerful way to uplift our lives and implement the changes we want to see and long for.
But if changing our beliefs is so powerful, why do people not do it? Well, the nature of beliefs is weird and puzzling. They tend to hold truth for the person who has them, no matter what those beliefs are. And when we perceive our beliefs as accurate, we don't question or change them.
But how can that be? I mean I had these two different beliefs, and how on Earth were they both true? Here's the twist: a belief cannot be viewed separately from all the things that are influenced by it.
I used to believe that high-achieving kids were smarter, more intelligent and more talented than me because of their innate abilities. My reasoning, behaviours, and actions, as well as my experiences and outcomes, sprung from this belief. My belief made me think there was no point in working hard, so I put hardly any effort into school or studying. I also reasoned that my poor results and poor performance were just the result of not having this innate ability others seemed to have. So, I quit whenever things got hard, and my performance remained poor and even deteriorated over the years. All this created the perception that my belief was true because my experiences and outcomes validated it. I needed a mindset-shifting moment that made me doubt my old beliefs so that a new belief could be formed.
After the mindset shift I believed that focus and high effort turn people into high achievers and make them smarter, more intelligent and successful. My reasoning, behaviours, and actions, as well as my experiences and outcomes, sprung from this belief. I told myself that I just needed to study harder and focus better, and then I would become smarter, more intelligent, and more successful. So I stopped wasting my time and started focusing better and studying harder. I reasoned that I just needed to put more effort into it and work some more whenever I encountered challenges or failed at something. So I studied harder or a little wiser until I performed well and achieved things. All these created the perception that my belief was true because my experiences and outcomes validated it.
Can you see how two different beliefs created different experiences and outcomes that supported and validated those beliefs? Whether a belief is true or false is an invalid question in and of itself because this question doesn't take into consideration the reality-creating effect of our beliefs. When we consider how powerfully our beliefs impact our behaviors, actions experiences and outcomes and how this ripple through effect creates the perception of truth regarding our beliefs, we start asking different questions.
What do you think, which one served me best, my old or my new belief about effort and ability?
Old belief: Success comes from innate abilities.
New belief: focus and effort build abilities and create success.
Which one would serve you best? Drop your answer in the comments below!
For a long time, I did not understand what had happened to me, and I couldn't see the connection between mindset, self-image, emotions, behaviours, actions and experiences and the life they create. Then, about 24 years after the mindset shift that turned my failures into successes, Carol Dweck's book Mindset landed in my hands. I understood everything instantly. I realized that I had shifted my mindset and turned my fixed mindset into a growth mindset. These are the terms Dweck coined to describe the two different belief systems, two different mindsets successful and unsuccessful people tend to have. I have been completely hooked ever since. I read everything I can get my hands on about mindsets limiting beliefs and how we can shift them so that our mindsets serve us better and everyone around us better. This also led me to become a mindset coach.
Does what I'm talking about clash with your usual explanation of why your life turned out the way it did? Does the idea that different beliefs create different experiences and outcomes sound absurd? Are you sceptical about the power of changing your mindset? Good. I'm glad you don't take my words at face value. When Szilvia challenged my old beliefs, I was sceptical, too. But I hope you are curious, open-minded, and willing to experiment. If so, please start with self-reflection. Reflect on your actions, negative experiences, and undesired outcomes, and ask yourself the following questions:
What belief might these actions, experiences, and outcomes spring from?
Might this particular belief limit me or hinder me in any way?
Is this belief a fact or just a story I'm telling myself and live by?
Please do this self-reflection in a completely non-judgmental way. Remind yourself that you have always done your best, managing the world with the old conditioning that prevented you from seeing its reality-creating and often self-limiting nature. Challenge and change your self-limiting beliefs so that your mindset can create better experiences and outcomes for you. You don't have to do this mindset work on your own. There are plenty of coaches out there, including myself, who can guide you in this process. Remember, "If you can change your mind, you can change your life.", quote by William James.
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